The Most Wonderful (and Most Exhausting) Time of the Year
The holidays hold some of our sweetest moments: twinkle lights, familiar recipes, laughter around a crowded table, the quiet of a candlelit service. They can also hold a packed calendar, old family roles, and a long list of people to keep happy.
If you find yourself saying yes to every invitation, hosting when you're running on empty, or biting your tongue to keep the peace, you're not alone. For many of us, the holidays are when people-pleasing turns all the way up.
There's a name for that pull. It's called the fawn response, and understanding it can help you enjoy this season instead of just surviving it.
What Fawning Looks Like at the Holidays
Fawning is a stress response where we stay safe by keeping others comfortable, often at our own expense. It rarely looks dramatic. During the holidays, it might look like:
Agreeing to host again, even though you dreaded it all last year
Splitting yourself between three family gatherings so no one feels slighted
Laughing off a comment that actually stung
Spending more on gifts than your budget allows so you don't disappoint anyone
Shrinking back into your childhood role the moment you walk through your parents' door
Feeling responsible for everyone's mood at the table
Collapsing in exhaustion on December 26th and wondering where the joy went
None of these make you a bad person or a pushover. They usually mean a part of you learned, a long time ago, that keeping the peace was the safest way to belong.
Why the Holidays Turn Up the Volume
The holidays bring together almost everything that sets off a fawn response: family history, high expectations, crowded rooms, and the cultural message that this is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we'd say a protective part of you steps forward. This people-pleasing part isn't the enemy. It works hard to keep you connected and to keep conflict away. It often learned its job in childhood, and it tends to show up strongest around the very people it first learned to manage.
Your body is part of this too. When your nervous system senses tension, like a raised voice, a disappointed sigh, or a loaded question about your life choices, it can shift into survival mode before you've had a chance to think. Fawning is one way it tries to bring the room back to calm.
The goal isn't to get rid of this part. It's to let it know you're here now, as an adult with choices, and it doesn't have to carry the whole season on its shoulders.
Five Ways to Care for Yourself This Season
Start with your values, not your calendar. Before the invitations pile up, ask yourself what you want this season to be about. Rest? Connection? Faith? Fun with your kids? In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values act like a compass. When you know what matters most, it gets easier to say yes to the right things.
Pause before you answer. People-pleasing loves an instant yes. Give yourself permission to say, "Let me check and get back to you." That small pause gives you room to notice what you actually want.
Check in with the part that's worried. When you feel the pull to over-give, try asking gently, "What are you afraid will happen if I say no?" You may hear fears of rejection, conflict, or being seen as selfish. Simply listening can help that part soften.
Practice one small boundary. You don't have to overhaul every family tradition this year. Choose one thing, like leaving at 8:00, skipping one event, or setting a gift budget, and practice holding it kindly.
Plan your recovery time. Schedule quiet time after big gatherings the way you'd schedule the gatherings themselves. A walk, a nap, or a cup of coffee alone counts.
A few phrases to keep in your back pocket:
"Thank you for thinking of me. We won't be able to make it this year."
"I'd love to bring something, but I can't host this time."
"I'm not going to get into that today. How's your new job going?"
"We'll be there from 2 to 5."
A boundary said with warmth is still a boundary. And other people's disappointment, while uncomfortable, is something you can both survive.
Making Room for the Good Stuff
When we spend the season managing everyone else, we often miss the moments we actually love. Setting boundaries isn't about doing less of the holidays. It's about having enough of yourself left to enjoy them.
This year, try noticing the small pleasures as they happen: the smell of something baking, a song that takes you back, a child's excitement, a quiet moment of gratitude or prayer, a real conversation with someone you love. Let yourself linger there a little longer.
You're allowed to hold both. The holidays can be joyful and hard, meaningful and messy, all in the same afternoon.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
If the holidays leave you feeling drained, resentful, or lost in everyone else's needs, that's worth paying attention to. It may be a sign that your people-pleasing patterns are ready for some care.
I help adults and teens untangle fawn and people-pleasing patterns so they can show up as themselves, with family, in relationships, and in everyday life. I offer sessions in person in Bryan, TX and by telehealth across Texas.
Curious whether fawning shows up for you? Take the free Do You Fawn? quiz on my website, or reach out to schedule a consultation. You can move from fawn to flourish, this season and beyond.
Cara Charanza, M.Ed., LMFT
